The problem today is that we have too many conflicts in our society, many of them are inside our own the family. This is one of the main reasons why 50% of all marriages in the US end in divorce. This is how my first marriage ended.
I want to share with you the 3 most effective ways to avoid escalating conflicts with your spouse:
1. We have 2 ears and only 1 mouth for a reason. Really listen to your spouse and try to understand his or her perspective. Every story has 3 different main angles: His, hers and what really happened. You already know your side, by really listening, and giving up the need to be right you can get the whole picture and find better solutions.
Recently I had a really bad day at work. When I came back home, my spouse was waiting for me with an angry face. She complained that I’m messy and never put things where they belong. I was ready to explode on her. Can’t she understand that I had an awful day and all I need is some rest? Doesn’t she care about me?
Just before I lost it, I reminded myself that she had no clue how bad was my day, and I had no clue about hers. So my response to her was: “how are you? How was your day?” It turned out that her day was pretty creepy as well. But after a short conversation, we had a good evening together.
2. Speak your heart. When you talk to the other side try to avoid using the words: "you" and "think", instead deliver a message that includes lots of "I" and "feel".
One of the biggest mistakes I used to make was to get defensive. When she said that she felt like I don’t give her enough attention I would say: “That’s so not true.” It took me many fights to learn that even if I don’t agree with her, that’s how she feels. Once I learned that, I started to share how I feel. Now that I speak my heart, and can listen to hers, we communicate through our hearts.
3. Remember that you both want your relationship to work and to be happy. And you both sometimes make mistakes and get hurt. You just have different ways to try to achieve the good and avoid the bad.
When I learned that, I stopped blaming her. Here is one of my favorite quotes from my first book "One Legged Seagull - A Warrior's Journey to Inner Peace" : “We all want the same things in life: happiness, success, love, peace, health, satisfaction, self-expression, respect and so on. What differentiates us is that we each have varying ideas on what’s the most effective way to achieve these things. Therefore, each one of us chooses the viewpoint that seems most appropriate to him, or the one he has been told is best suited to this purpose. That's why we handle matters in such different ways.”
By: Joey Avniel
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